Monday, October 24, 2011

Still on the Yellow Brick Road...

Tomorrow, October 25th 2011, at 10:13 am....My baby girl will be 4 years old.  While my heart is filled with an infanite amount of love and pride....I will forever be scarred from the pain I felt on that chilly October day in 2007, and it has nothing to do with childbirth.

Sara Evans, "I could not ask for more" was playing on the doctors OR playlist...I was numb from the waist down, all I could feel was tugging and alot of pressure as I gave birth via C-section to a beautiful baby girl, weighing in at 7 lbs 15 oz.  As I stared into the mirror above my head, my husband saying "We did it baby" rang in my ears but didn't register in my mind until someone said "its a girl!".  I couldn't believe it...I didn't know how much I wanted a little girl until those words were spoken.  And in that very instant my family was complete.  In that moment, I had found all I'd waited for...I didn't need to ask for more. 

But the irony in the song playing that day had not been realized yet...

"These are the moments
I know heaven must exist
These are the moments
I know all I need is this
I've found all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more"

Nothing would prepare me for what happened only seconds later...
My daughter, wrapped so snugly in a hospital blanket, was handed to my husband and brought over to me to meet for the first time.  I lay there, physically paralyzed in the delivery room...but my heart was beating out of my chest, I tried to cry but my lungs didn't feel like they were working, it was hard for me to breath deeply.  She was beautiful...and my heart was overflowing with love and joy, yet the moment she opened her eyes it shattered all over the operating room floor.  God had given us this amazing gift, our daughter...the baby we had dreamed about for 9 months.  That should have been the happy ending...but instead it was the beginning of a never ending nightmare.  Our precious baby girl, just seconds old, was already being challenged to a life of uncertainty and hardship....she was blind.

As the shards of my shattered heart were still settling on the floor, it was business as usual for the doctors and nurses.  They went to work putting the rest of my body back together, while they unknowingly had turned me into the Tin Man from the wizard of OZ...(there is irony in that statement as well).  I was about to become a poorly oiled machine, without a heart.  Or maybe I was the Lion....where my courage would be tested and the faith I had in myself would be questioned.  We were about to begin our journey down the yellow brick road to find the Wizard....the one and only person who could open the door for us and change my daughters world of black and white into a world of beautiful colors. (insert scene of Dorothy entering the land of Oz here).

Dr. Zaidman is our Wizard...he is the man behind the curtain. 

I DID need to ask for more...I needed to ask God to give us a miracle...Give Emily her ruby red slippers and allow her to see.  Forego giving the scarecrow his brain, and give Emily new eyes instead. 

4 years later, we found Oz and our wizard...but we still are and will always be on the Yellow Brick Road, waiting for the ugly flying monkeys (Cornea rejection and Glaucoma) to swoop down and take back what Emily has fought so hard for.

Holding My Breath

Its' been 7 months since I posted last, and I feel like I've been holding my breath for that long.  Emily's surgery to remove the scarring on her left eye was sucessful, but the healing process has not gone as expected.  Dr. Zaidman removed about 70% of the scar (calcium) and had to leave the remainder as to not do further damage to her cornea.  Her "band aid" contact fell out within 3 days of the surgery, and since then we've relied on Lacri-lube, a strong ointment commonly used for dry eye, as a protectant and to aid in the healing.  We still use the ointment at bedtime, and her eye still is not healed.  Our doctor was concerned up until about 2 months ago, but at that time said that the healing had been progressing because endothealials had begun being replaced.

When is this going to get better?

When am I going to be able to breathe easier?

I feel like I'm turning blue from lack of oxygen....