When Do You Stop Looking Back?

In a previous post I mentioned that I had recently found a photo of Emily when she was born and all the pain and emotions came flooding back to me. It was hard to think back and almost relive those moments...although the chain of events that followed Emilys birth can't be changed, when is it ok to stop looking back on them with sadness? When will I be able to appreciate what we have been through and embrace how far Emily has come without feeling sad that she had to go through it in the first place? I sometimes find myself still feeling the envy of parents who welcomed a perfectly healthy baby into this world, wondering how different my life would be without Emily's disability weighing on my shoulders everyday. How do I stop looking at that beautiful baby in the supermarket who has the most clear and bright blue eyes and wishing that Emily looked like that? I don't want to go through life wishing it was different. I want to enjoy the life that God has given us and be thankful for the medical miracles that have given her the ability to see.

How do you let go of feelings that are so deeply rooted in your heart? When can you stop looking back on the events of your life and wish something were different? If those events had never happened, your life would not be what it is today...is that what you really want? Is that what I want? Do I wish that Emmy was born with perfectly healthy eyes? Of course I do, but she wasn't and I can't change that. Again....how do I stop looking at that baby in the store and feel the familiar pang of jealously? Why was my daughter born with this condition and that baby wasn't? Ask anyone who has ever been dealt a shitty hand in life and they will tell you the same thing...everyone wishes the shitty hand was dealt to someone else.

I am feeling kind of down and out lately. Nothing seems to make sense and when I think I've figured it all out, someone or something blatantly tells me I'm wrong. No one has life figured out, its a mystery to all of us. Just when I feel like things are going well or have reached that "stable" status...someone flips a coin and turns things upside down. Why is it that when you have a good thing going for you, it can't just continue to be good? Its never good for long enough, you're happy for a day or two, then BAM! Someone rips your heart out of your chest without any warning or explanation. Can we at least get an expiration date on our happiness so we can prepare for when its going to go sour? "Good things always come to an end" - I hate that phrase. It's so depressing. Who wants to live their life thinking that every good thing they've got going for them is at some point just going to fall apart? If that were the case the entire world should be on anti depressants.