Where is my breaking point? I don’t know if I’ve been there already or if it’s still out there somewhere. Maybe I am there right now, who knows. I’m tired of all the twist and turns of this roller coaster and I want to get off the ride. I’ve run out of tickets so why can’t my turn be over? Just when you think you have gotten to the point where it’s going to slow down and maybe even come to a stop, the track either drops out from underneath you or you get whiplash from the sharp turn it takes.
I am trying to be strong. I am TRYING to be strong. Strong for my daughter, strong for my family, strong for my husband…but what happens when I need someone to be strong for me? I can only be strong for them when I, myself am strong. Right now I feel anything but strong. I feel like I am falling apart.
Everyday is a struggle. I know everyone has bad days, but I feel like I have more bad than good lately. Normally I am pretty even keeled about Emily’s condition, only getting really emotional when something major is happening like a surgery or EUA. Today I’ve broken down multiple times and found myself asking why I can’t seem to keep it together. I still haven’t figured out the answer to that.
I am so tired of seeing her suffer. She has been through so much and I just can’t stand to think about what her future holds.
Maybe I've been to the brink of my breaking point before. Are we allowed to reach that point and then recover from it only to start heading towards it again? Like a rollercoaster... you get to the bottom of the hill only to start climbing towards the top of the next one...
I am so sorry! I have been where you are and am there sometimes still. You can do this. God gives us the children we are supposed to have. It doesn't make it any easier, but hopefully it gives you some peace that you CAN do this. Life isn't fair. I would gladly give my Maddy my eye balls any day of the week and I know you feel the same. Stay strong!
ReplyDeleteI have felt these feelings so many times in the last 8 months. I have worried sick. I have cried uncontrollably. I have not understood why. You are strong. You are surviving DAILY for Emily. You are allowed your sad days, weeks, etc. You mourn, you cry, you pray and pray and pray more. Give it ALL to God. Don't hold back. HE is there. HE will never leave you. HE will never leave Emily. HE loves HER SO much. Emily will change the world. SHE will teach people so much. Look at her and see all the things she has taught you already in 2 years. Hold onto your faith. Read and reread scriptures. Here are two that I cling to:
ReplyDeleteJeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Mark 5:34
He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."
Whatever you need....I am here for you. Hang in there!!!!
I have a son who is 5 with Peter's...it's been a crazy ride. We live in fl and go primarly to Bascom Palmer @ the University of Miami. They are the #1 eye hospital according to USA world report. We've found them to be ok but after our son rejected his corneas we took him to Rochester NY Dr Aquellavella and he had implants doen ~ wow what a difference. But it's still been hard! We are dealing with a little glacoma too but Sam has lots of other physical problems, we've had a rough few months and I can relate to your post!!!! Call me if you'd like 352 567 6208
ReplyDeleteYvonne clanton I alos requested you as a friend on FB and on my FB page I have all my links. I have a blog www.myreallifebyyvonne.blogspot.com/
This feeling is really very bed. I wish for her better future.
ReplyDeleteSUNIL
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